The snow has taken its sweet time arriving, but now it looks like it is here to stay. Saturday evening saw a dusting that just covered the grasses, and today that’s being reinforced by a more serious onslaught of chubby, stubborn flakes. The sidewalks are treacherously slippery. The flakes themselves are silent and focused, intent on their task of closing out the fall.
This is exam week at Middlebury, but for me it’s much less stressful than last week. That’s my pattern at Middlebury: the final week of classes is a massive stressful crunch, and exam week itself is relatively relaxed. I have three take-home exams due between Wednesday and Friday, so I can’t consider it a vacation. Just the same, I am acutely aware that in about four days, I will be at home relaxing; and in about six days and ten hours, Gabi will arrive in the airport from Cameroon and we will be together. I’m more than ready for the relaxation and closure of December vacation.
I’ve had many good moments this semester. I remember the satisfying “click” that assured me, as I decided to change to a joint Sociology/Psychology major, that I had made the right choice. I remember meeting with my friend Amanda for long thought-walks. I remember first recognizing, and ceding to, the odd and out-of-place yet deeply compelling urge to take time for daily meditation. I remember the many moments in my invigorating African anthropology class when our professer would reveal some corner of his personal reactions to the themes and conflicts we discussed, leaving us deeply touched.
It’s also been a straining and disconcerting semester. I have experienced periodic “existential crises” all fall – concerning my major, concerning my passion for Integral Theory and lack of clarity about how to enter into the Integral community, concerning my post-graduation plans. Sure, graduation is still a year and a half off… but for the first time in my life, I am closer to graduating college than I am to entering college.
Guilty regrets flit through my head: Why haven’t I been involved in more activities up to this point? Where has the time gone? Have I wasted it? I know these thoughts are ridiculous. I have pushed myself, my growth, and my time-availability to the limit during most of my five semesters here so far. Just the same, these regrets bely an underlying fear and panic that I will somehow “under-engage” Middlebury and miss out on opportunities – which in turn belies my intense valuation on taking the most out of Middlebury. I can then take that value and rest comforted in the knowledge that I am making every effort to optimize my growth and engagement here, and that I will continue to do so.
